Ashamed

For the past night, ivh been trying to come to terms with my feelings.

It's a bad feeling, some what upset, somewhat angry, somewhat disgruntled, upset enough to feel like I should be crying, but feeling that i am silly as the matter is not big enough to actually cry over.

After thinking long and hard, I realised that I felt ashamed of my performance yesterday. I had been so over confident that I was a star performer, so arrogant that they would want me when they saw me, that I didn't take the whole application and interview seriously enough.

I was intimidated when i saw that there was a panel of 8 senior officers interviewing me. (They were all in their 40s - 50s - 60s. Heck my boss looks young next to them) I was flabagasted when one of them interrupted me mid introduction. I was horrified when one of them asked me a question I would have covered in my introduction,  I felt insulted when they were shocked that I was married. I felt belittled when they asked me why I wanted to become a HR director and I couldn't articulate an answer and the panel laughed at me, coz the interview chair said that I just wanted to direct and not be directed by others. I was shocked when the interview suddenly ended because i felt that they had given up on me. All in all, I felt ashamed by my performance, because if I had been on that interview panel, I wouldn't have hired me.

Now all I can hope for is that based on the good graces of the tampines lady whom I seem to have built a little rapport with, they take me in.

But then I'm upset with myself because I feel like I wasted my time. I should have taken the time to understand the job D better, to realise that the role of the AM is an entry level role. That they don't need 5 years of HR experience. That it is decentralised and I would not be at HQ. I feel like I wasted my own time, and I did something to skip work which does not reflect well on myself, and does not tie in with my values, as I am part of HR. (Although I genuinely am sick). I also feel that I should have realised that it wasn't that they were belittling me and the things that I did with MOE, it's just that they feel so proud of being in HDB that they feel like nothing else I do in MOE can compare. But also it seems nice coz there aren't much young guys in high pos coz they r scholar.

And all that time I spent reading up on HDB, trying to understand the culture, preparing the interview qns, stressing myself out, I'm frustrated with myself that it didn't translate into performance coz of my stupid sense of inflated ego and overconfidence that I would perform well.

This ego that was boosted when I absolutely sucked at open posting interview but somehow I got the offer.

I need to humble myself. At least i csn comfort myself that i didnt really waste 100% of my time as is was a good wake up call.

I kept asking myself, if I got the offer, would I accept. I think my answer is no? Because if I wanted to be an AM I should have gone to school I can do it. But I'm hesitant to go to school.  School can have 300 staff and only 2 AM and 1 VP. But for HDB, they have 300 staff and a team of 20 AM. That's a crazy ratio right there. Maybe I really will have more work life balance. But I'm not in HQ so I don't get to enjoy the staff benefits properly. But then again, if there is a substantial raise, I would say yes. But this would be a major deviation from my career goals. Would I look back and regret that this was a waste of time?

But then if it can put food and money on the table and it's not too stressful and I'm happy, why not.

I'm just so confused, because I realise that I don't really know what I want with my life. Do I just want to be an average Joe, go to work, come home, take my 7k paycheck, feed my few kids, or do I want to be more. I know I can't depend on my husband coz he doesn't have that kind of ambition so it's up to me. I honestly don't know. I think right now I'm just so exhausted with life, I cant make a call. I'm closing all the HDB pages that I left open as quickly as possible, I can't figure out why. Think it's to save myself from my embarrassment.

Steps moving forward:

1) decide which statutory board to join
2) decide if I'd rather go private
3) if firm that I want to join HDB, try again.
4) LOOK FOR A ROLE THAT ACTUALLY FITS MY EXPERIENCE, DON'T APPLY ON A WHIM

An unexceptional life

The best life there is for me

https://shulamitw.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/what-is-the-point-of-living-an-unexceptional-life/

The best course over

Why do i feel so sad that the 3 day course is over

Maybe it's because it was the best course ever

Maybe it's because the trainer was great. He's a university professor who seemed so excited and entertained to teach us. He really has passion to teach adults like us.

But it's not the first time that ivh had a great and wise professor.

Maybe it's because he really makes the time and effort to get to know every single one of us by name in the 3 short days, and he takes the time to interact with each and every single one of us.

Maybe it's because he shares these personal stories of his wife and kids that I feel like I know him so well

I feel like I really have learnt so much from him these few days. He is really such an inspiring teacher. And he would be an equally amazing boss..

Maybe it's because he managed to foster a feeling of closeness amongst the class. He forced us to switch places every day. For the first time I actually feel close to almost half of my course mates and I feel sad that I'm leaving them. Usually I'm only sad to say goodbye to the one or 2 I have bonded with. With all of the case studies and role play, I really feel surprisingly close to most of them.

Maybe it's because my course mates are great. I keep worrying that they will see me as a phony coz I'm so young. And most of them have worked for like 8 or 10 years or more. But they accepted me as a peer. And it's like I suddenly have a support network that I can look to when I need help on how to manage staff. It's not like before where I'm just floundering in the deep. It is true that the higher u climb the more lonely u get.

This course has really opened by world view on how to be good management. I hope that I will be able to do it.

It helped me to understand myself and identify my weaknesses. Will work more on the cross division cooperation and on growing my subordinates and letting them devise solutions on their own.

I am so amazed and enlightened.