grief processing

today's swirling thoughts

Thought 1:

I got SC (C) instead of a HA (C+) 

Based on the hours I'm working I dont think what I'm getting is worth it

Should I stay on here and cruise, or should I not stay?

Where else can I find a place with this much flexibility?

Thought 2:

Should I rejoin my studio I graduated from?

Thought 3: 

I really want to quit everything. What am I living for? How can I find meaning in my work life?

Thought 4:

Where can I find a place that will accept me for my neurodivergence

Thought 5:

Mums side of Family has PALB gene

just as I am

I brought my kids to a play

Where the theme was to love yourself just as you are

To be strong against the naysayers

I almost cried during the show

After when I talked to my son about it

I asked him

M: Mummy loves Kyren. Other then mummy.who else should love Kyren?

K: Kyren should love Kyren. 

m: Yes

K: Why? 

M: Because no matter what. You should always love yourself

M: What do you love about yourself?

K: I love that I'm very skinny, if people want to eat me. They will say oh no. No meat. So nobody will eat me.

M: One day if u r not skinny anymore but u are fat will you still love yourself?

K: Yes. I will love my fats.

M: No matter what, you must always love your self, no matter what size or weight you are ok.

Your size and weight doesn't matter, there's always something good about you to love

Mummy loves u no matter what. Do u know that?

K: Does mummy love mummy? 

M: Yes, mummy loves mummy.

I almost cried because I realised no, Im not being honest with him. But if I have to lie to my child to get him to believe in self love, I will, so that he will have it better then me

Because sometimes I hate myself and I want it to all end