Jackson..

today I realized I forgot to reply Jackson.. twice.. I was trying hard to recall the strange feeling I had in the pit of my stomach as I read his SMS, and tried very hard to remember what it was like having pa again as my close friend in my life. I recalled late dinners, and htht chats below my block and at Dina's place. the pa who was always there for me when I needed him, the pa who was just a phone call summon away, the pa whom I shared all of my troubles with back in my life again.

I thought about it hard and it felt strange. I realized he had been gone for so long, 4 years infact, I don't even know who he is anymore. I don't think he knows the me now, I don't even remember the kind of person I used to be around him.

I have let him go and learnt to live without him. he is no longer a key person in my life. no longer the first person I'd ask out on slow saturdays, no longer the first person I'd call when I had troubles, no longer the person I'd reserve special movies for.

he's almost nothing to me in my life now. I don't even remember the last time we had a real conversation without him and his blatant lies..

do you really miss me? do you really want me as your friend again? I'm having a hard time convincing myself about whether thenopposite is true. do I really miss you? do i really want you as my close friend again?

I think no, because truly close friends don't run off and dump you for others. I don't want to have to experience the pain and disappointment of giving you an important place in my life and I'n my heart, to have to bear with the sadness and disappointment of always being 2nd to your new friends, and never being there for me when I needed you most, and you never remembering me for who I was, a d constantly mixing up memories of all the good things I did for you and
thinking that they were done by Dina.

it really makes me wonder If our friendship was real, or was it just a lie, I was just a decoy, a replacement, a stepping stone for your unattainable desires and ambitions

which was why you left us at the end

I shan't risk it. trusting you again.

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