Religion

To me religion is a crutch that people grab on to in their final days.

It is good to have something to believe in during your final days. To encourage the spirit to fight on. Because the subconscious human mind has a surprising amount of control  over the human body.

But for me. Until one day I am convinced, I will remain me. With belief in my own effort and perseverance and that you reap what you sow. With a tinge of random factor.

Because if god truly exists,  I will learn about it through my relationship with him. God shouldn't need us to learn about him through a third party.

I hate my life

I feel like I hate my life

I hate my mum
She has never done anything that mattered to me for me. I wish that I don't hav to give a shit about her needs. I hate that im getting married and she doesn't giv a damn. I hav to do all of the planning and inviting.  She is never there when I need her for the big things. Always giving me grief about the insignificant.

I hate my job
It sucks that minister says go and everyone rolls around like an idiot
It sucks that my boss always lose at taichi

I hate my colleagues
My subordinate is always trying to push work to me. I get blamed when they dont do stuff right. I do their stuff but I don't get any credit 4 it
One colleague is so annoying n always talking to herself
The other one is like in twilight zone coz she is leaving. Always spaced out.

I hate my current house
Its leaking and my mum fucking refuses to do anything about it. Just keeps comparing prices and accuses the contractor of trying to cheat her and of being from china. Sprawling concrete and paint chipping off everywhere

I hate my static
Negative ppl. Ppl getting carried.  People hatin on each other.  Ppl not being responsible or updating and expecting the whole world to stop and wait 4 em or drop everything n wait 4 em.

I hate that my rabbits are sick and aren't getting better. Im so tired from all of the medicine feeding and the wound washing and application and it feels like the nightmare is never going to stop because I feel a fucking new lump and we might have to do surgery.

I hate my body.
I hate that I don't have time to work out. That im in the office at 7pm rushing an update and I stress eat. That my belly fat balloons up and down week to week. That I ache terribly every night after I wake up in my shitty 200 dollar bed. That I hav high cholesterol and low calcium and I hav to control my diet. And that I need to eat 1 fruit a day to shit but all my mum buys are inedible starfruits and some shit that rotts b4 I get to eat it.

I hate my dysfunctional family.
Its always who is arguing with who. And who we hav to go visit just to show face. And how its a competition on who has visited who more. Seriously who has time for this shit.

I wish I could dump all of this and just start over new somewhere else

I fucking hate that I just need hdb to send me a letter and I can escape from 90% of this hell hole. I can get a fucking new job without worrying about all of the travelling.

I hate that im in whatsapp groups that I don't even want to be in.

Election duties

Today I nearly got the election duty post that ivh always wanted

But then I stupidly went and gave it away

When I found out that I wasnt going to get the chance I had a mixture of shock and disbelief

I really dislike that woman. Who prevented me from going. But then I cant really blame her because she didnt specifically single me out like adeline.

How did this happen? 

Well after I was asked u know who came bounding over and asked very loudly what is going on and what she was missing out on.

So I knew for the longest time that both of us really wanted to do the job. And caroline just said that she needed 5 more people. So I asked her if she wanted to sign up too.

I saw that caroline took a while to turn. I thought nothing of it. Perhaps I was too soft as usual. Later I realised its because she was composing herself.

Caroline asked her seriously "u sure u wana do it? Cannot do wrongly very serious one leh" caroline gave her a worried look. To which e was her usual self and just shook like a leaf in the wind, pranced around and happily said 'yes! Of coz can one lah' den she went to ask hy if she wanted to join too. And ended up all 3 of us signed up.

I should have seen the signs. How she hurried to leave after she got my name.  How she 'didnt' hear my hints about the other 2 ppl. How reluctantly she turned. How she walked away saying that yf is gg to kill her.

When the call to my boss came, and he said that elicia and I couldn't get involved coz of tkps. I was really disappointed. F tkps incident. If tkps incident then why let me sign up in the first place.

I felt so disappointed. And they kept talking about it. About what its like to do election duty. I tried to hold my tears back. I drank water and told myself that ppl dont always get what they want.

I felt disappointed with them.  But at the same time I felt like they wernt to blame. I guess I only have myself to blame.

Im too nice.  I didnt seize the opportunity.  I shared it with others. In the end I lost it.

And I have nobody to blame but myself.

If I didn't call e over to join this wouldn't have happened.

But then I would have lived with the guilt and wonder of what would have happened if I nvr asked her to join and if it was unfair of me.

I would never have learnt that there indeed is different treatment btwn her and me by others and I should cherish it.

Boss really is good at treating all of us equally and I appreciate it.

It was a good learning experience. And a small price to pay.

And I should not regret.