The nightmare

I had a nightmare. That I quit my job and I hadnt found a new one yet. And suddenly it was my last day and I wanted to take my resignation back. I had so many bills to pay so many expenses to fund it sccared me.

It was andrea(moe) in the drivers seat sharon(sats) in the front seat and we were driving out of the SATS car park

Not sure why they were the ones who were there and what it symbolises

my cousin

when I think about the things she said last night
I feel a kind of remorse
because I know I have lost her
and we can never be the same again
be it from my point of view or her point of view
we're just too different in our ideals and beliefs that it drives me apart

and I feel sad for her that she will never take ownership of her life
and choses to just pray and rely on the goodness of his grace

if I was a parent I would want my child to strive for his or her own desires
to create their own future
to take ownership of their life
and that's how I choose to live my life
without regrets that I tried
or died trying

but if she lives without regret
saying that she'd rather wait for the lord to provide
or die waiting
and be perfectly happy with it
I can't fault her too
because that is her way of life without regrets

we are just too different

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Someone just told me

you know that you can correct them when they are wrong right?
Senior mgt isnt always correct
like at today's meeting
DD corrected DHSC
and then DHSC said that he was just testing us

And i started trying to apply this to everyday life
regardless of whether these people are receptive to feedback / nice / not
as long as they are logical
and i know that they should be willing to accept the truth

abrasive

I have never met anybody as abrasive as you
just the thought of you on my way to work makes me mad
there is something very unsociable about you that I can't put my finger on
that makes my blood boil
at first i was fascinated by your charisma and charm
you seemed to speak well and appear knowledgeable about so many different things
it appeared as if there was much I could learn from you
in teens of poise, language, conversational topics and appearing to be unworldly competent at the things you do
but in time, you started to get on my nerves with your booming loud voice and your unfriendly criticism of the things around you
your jokes are not funny and
I realise that although I try to help you
you just aren't listening
you just don't learn
you talk a lot but I realise it's just fluff
and I feel cheated when I realise that you actually don't know
and I feel really annoyed when you give me that judging eye as if "she's so dumb she doesn't even know this"
at least I'm a honest person and admit when u don't know
such that I can learn and improve myself
instead of being a stuck up know it all when you don't know anything at all
dick head like you

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Why do you keep asking me to spend more money? I'm already trying my best to cap my total daily spending on food to $5 a day for lunch AND dinner.. its all so that i can have enough money for you in the future.. why don't they just get it :(

September - I just started my new job..

October - $60 (mum's birthday)

November - $200 (dad's birthday)

December - Christmas Wine - $50, Christmas presents for colleagues - $100

January - You took cab but forgot ur wallet. i paid $20

February - Chinese new year. compulsory $500 ang bao.

March - i bought 2 mattresses in total costing $3100. Other people families buy mattress for their kids. I buy it for you. and you have to sleep on a queen. the queen costs 2x as much as the single. That's $2k for you. Grandfather's birthday too. $50. damn.

April - $200 on my birthday dinner. I treat you to my birthday dinner. $30 for random dinner. you ask me to start paying the house electricity bills.

May - Mothers day is coming up - 200?

June - Fathers day is coming up. You ask me what is my budget. I hate that question. you obviously want to go somewhere expensive after i treated the other to a 200 dollar dinner. then you referred to the $520 dinner you just treated. Is this a hint? how much you want? 300? 400? what happened to saving money for the future???

Every month spend $500. im already eating only $5 a day. that's 105. I spend 100 on transport. I have never gone on a holiday since i started working. i pay for the household phone bills. thats $100 a month. my rabbit costs 20 a month.. I hardly eat nice meals, maybe only twice a month.. thats about $150 because i pay for my bf too. I hardly buy new clothes. and if i do, its always cheap, less then 10 or maximum $15 only. i buy something of that value about once a month. and then im expected to spend $400 on you at one go? thats 3.5 times the amount of money i spend on myself for entertainment.. all the rest of the money i spend on sustenance.. i feel so miserable.. so abused..stretched so thin.. i cant eat any lesser already..

You say that i am fortunate compared to other kids. That is the greatest irony in itself. I feel that i am so unfortunate compared to other kids. Thats why i dont splurge. Other kids are out there, having 3 holidays a year. blowing all their money on THEMSELVES. they dont need to pay their phone bills. they dont need to pay the electriciy bills. they dont need to give you an ang bao. they get to LIVE OFF THEIR PARENTS.

but i dont. i need to scrimp and save for you. i need to put aside money for my future. i need to pur aside money for YOUR future. You didnt buy any medical insurance. You DONT HAVE ANY SAVINGS. i know that in time, ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL BURDENS will fall on my shoulders.

FML.

food

when I start eating(helping myself) to the food on your plate
that's when I'm 100% comfortable
but
you left

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sometimes you just feel like

the tight pants that you have don't fit
sometimes life just feels like shit
you are looking for something to hit
you feel so lost in this pretty world
and that's how it sometimes feels to be a girl

sympathy can be ok
but not like when I feel horrible like today

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sometimes you just feel like

the tight pants that you have don't fit
sometimes life just feels like shit
you are looking for something to hit
you feel so lost in this pretty world
and that's how it sometimes feels to be a girl

sometimes things just are ok
but not like when I feel horrible like today

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the plum

at work I was trying to draw this plum that I didn't feel like eating

it was really pretty purple with red streaks and a white glossy sheen

then I got distracted and did work

and in my distraction I ate it!!!

I feel so devastated that I didn't get to draw it!!

is this what being a cannibal feels like?

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cherish those quiet pockets of time where I get to feel like a kid again

I really cherish those limited free meals I get now a days

after I have started working
and especially after buying my first big ticket item for my mum yesterday

I realized those free meals are going to get sparser

and soon it will be my turn to pay

at least my parents had the luxury of splitting my bill amongst the two of them

but next time it will just be me

paying for everything myself

over and over again

because I know it's useless to wish for siblings

coz they can't drop from the sky

and even if they existed why would they want to take on the responsibility of a MIA parent

so all I can do now is work

and hope for my promotion soon

sigh

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