Sorry, I'm nothing like you

But just because I'm nothing like you doesn't mean I don't respect the heck out of you. If you don't believe me, consider this the ultimate compliment — I married your son knowing full well that, as the saying goes, "you marry the whole family."

1. "Jane (your mother-in-law), I know how hard you work to maintain a very enjoyable reputation as a great hostess with many artistic talents. I know this was a priority in your own family growing up. We have benefited from these talents as well. [Okay, here comes the Confrontation part] But this is my first home and I know you can understand how exciting it is for me to make my own decorating decisions - right or wrong. I am sure I have a lot to learn and I appreciate your ideas, but I need you to respect my opinions as I do yours, even if we disagree. Your tone and persistence makes it sometimes feel like a contest. I don't want it to be a contest. I don't want it to hurt our relationship."2. (Phone Rings — Oh no…it's HER again!) "Hi Jane. I only have five minutes as I am running to an appointment, but I didn't want to miss your call again." (Okay — small white lie — but a good limit setting approach) You can increase the number of stress-free days and moments by limiting your exposure. Keep the calls short and infrequent, same with visits when possible. Remember: you cannot change a narcissist by yourself, but you may have some influence over the way they behave with you. You can also control the impact it has on you by limiting your contact and clarifying the boundaries when you are with them. 3. For example, "Jane, I appreciate your concern for little Timmy and what you see as his over-attachment to his teddy bear. I know you watch Oprah and read articles about child development, and feel you have some expertise in this area. It is okay for you to offer your input to us privately, but it is not acceptable for you to discuss this in front of our friends or in front of the children. This must not happen again. I am counting on you to respect our wishes, and I'd appreciate your commitment to this effort while in our home." There - you said it, graciously but firmly. So, let's say she sighs, waves her hand in the air, as if to dismiss you like an annoying flying insect, or puffs up and gets defensive. Simply and nicely let her know that you had no intention of offending her nor are you inviting her into a debate on the matter. Again, "Jane let's not let this hurt our relationship." And leave it at that. These skills take time and practice.

You're the mom now. Act like it. That means being mature and getting the chip off your shoulder. Quit being so sensitive.

Understand that your mother-in-law does have a tremendous investment in your husband. That's one commonality you share. You both love him.

Try to see things through your mother-in-law's eyes. It is so hard as a parent to see "naive rookie mom" doing some things that don't look right.

how to make it better
http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/3679/how-to-deal-with-your-motherinlaw

reading the comments of other people help me to be strong. and tell myself im not alone.
http://moms.popsugar.com/What-Happens-When-Husband-Confides-His-Mom-Before-His-Wife-27332574

reading this reminds me that if i continue to just say yes to everything i am walking into a death trap
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pauline-gaines/how-my-inlaws-made-and-br_b_1550646.html

I hope that i nvr have to face this
I think it is wonderful when a man is able to confide to his mother and ask her opinon, but his WIFE should be his main confidant. Also, her husband should NEVER cross the line and talk to his Mother about marital issues. That is setting up a breakdown in the relationship between his wife and his mother.

what they say the husband should do
The husband needs to put his foot down and let his mother know "He will not listen to this kind of ridicule or put downs anymore or the time he spends will be cut very short. 

everyone says this:
that the new family unit should take precedence before the childhood familiy
There can be no divided loyalties. Your loyalty needs to be with your wife.
If your wife has a problem with your mother, it is your job to intervene and try to fix it. 



I hope she doesnt think this way

any woman who makes her husband choose her against his mother is living with a looser who has no value in life. The woman who carried you, birth you, brought you up, cried for you and stayed up for you verses someone you met who gives you sex...mmmm..how can any decent human compare the two relationship. One based on blood, sweat and mercy and the other one based on companionship

All parents should read the below

I found myself considerably bothered for some time after reading the responses posted following this topic. I believe that embedded within much of the text is the root of the universal mother-in-law/daughter-in-law issue. I believe that as mother's we often get wrapped up into touting the flag of 'labor, blood, sweat, and tears' as if it's our cross to bear. We parade the flag about in front of our friends, especially the young, non, or soon-to-be mothers, and expect all others to acknowldege that our cross is the largest and heaviest. The problem with this habit is that it's self-centered in nature. Using it as a 'one-up' to anyone, especially our child's significant other, is making all things about ourselves. It lacks the acknowledgement that our child did not ask us to bear that cross and, more importantly, it shames the honor we have as mothers in doing so. We should never do things for the ones we love if our intent will be to use it as a 'you-owe-me' in the future. Our job as wives and mothers within our family unit is to partner with our spouse to care for one another and to raise happy, healthy, productive adults that contribute to society. It is the difference between the belief that our children are of us rather than pass through us. We might also caution ourselves against assuming that issues with our daughter-in-laws revolve around immaturity. Ultimately, our judgement on anothers maturity level might be more a reflection of our lack of understanding about their insecurities. Becoming a wife and mother can be a very difficult thing and feeling confident and secure in the relationship she's building with her spouse is often the only signs she might have that she's succeeding. It's important to remember that the success of a marriage is based on healthy levels of trust and intimacy. For men, intimacy can quickly be encompassed in physical connections. These connections are really about more than just 'sex.' It's about sex, adequacy, love and trust. For women, intimacy is much more intricate and is based on communication. When a wife feels comfortable to confide in her partner and knows that he desires to come to her with his innermost dreams, aspirations, and concerns, she feels secure in her intimacy and bond to him. When her husband instead chooses to communicate these thoughts to his mother, it can be felt as a breach of trust. It breeds a level of insecurity and a violation of healthy marital intimacy. Almost like cheating, it can be felt as if he is choosing another women over his spouse. Our role as mothers is to love our sons and prepare them to be the best husbands and fathers possible. Letting them go and respecting the boundaries necessary to enter into the union of marriage is part of this process. This topic is not about forcing a choice. It's about acknowledging that we have served gallently as parents and it is time to encourage our sons to partner with their spouses to do the same for their own children. My advice is to include both spouses in the conversation. If, as a mother, you find your son asking to confide in you about concerns affecting his marriage, encourage him to bring his spouse to the conversation as well. Encourage them to utilize a counselor that can remain impartial while assisting them in developing the lasting tools necessary for a successful marriage. Acknowledge the need for this new young family to set their own boundaries and create their own traditions and try to see the honor in being invited into some of these new traditions. Support her need to find security in her relationship with the man you raised.

I think i should write to prudie. 

im so disturbed..