Manipulators

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Spot-the-manipulator-in-your-life

Pretending to be the victim
A manipulator may pretend as being a victim of circumstances or bad behavior of someone,making you feel sympathy for him or her.
When a person tries to seek your sympathy,carefully observe that person,before you invest emotionally or involve yourself in something unpleasant.
So how to tell a false victim from a real one.
A false victim talks about the events that were abusive to them in a calm, cool and detached way. They appear to get over the emotions of the abusive experience rather quickly and they don’t appear to dwell, or obsess over the abusive experiences.
True victims need to reach out for support, it’s important for their survival. They seek therapy, God or other saving methods to restore their mental and emotional health. While talking about the abusive experience, they appear confused, jumpy, nervous and afraid. They may cry hysterically and there is urgency and emotion in their speech. They do not have the cold, cool demeanor of a lying manipulator.True victims go through the grieving process—shock, denial, and anger to finally the stage of acceptance.
But manipulators pretending to be victims don’t try to seek that kind of support. They don’t need it because they were not abused.Manipulators pretend to be victims not to seek kindness and compassion but they are after a goal,so coolly and in control they tell you their story.

Silent treatment
Getting ''Silent treatment'' is an early warning sign that you are dealing with a manipulator.It is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining silence.
Manipulators use silent treatment as a weapon to provoke you into doing something or make you feel less worthy by refusing to acknowledge even your presence. If an act of your behavior is not contributing towards the manipulator’s goal they will use silent treatment as a punishment to communicate their displeasure. This is why Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment.
If it is a sadistic manipulator then they might use silent treatment just to torture you.
Examples of silent treatment might be;
A coworker openly talks to others but refuses to speak to you.
Your roommate is willing to talk to her friends on phone ,or bring them in the room and talk to them for hours, but refuses to speak to you.

Appearing to be selfless
Manipulators keep their intentions,ambitions,desire for power and domination hidden,so in the first few meetings with a manipulator,you might find him/her to be a selfless and helpful person.
Dr.George K.simon explains
‘’Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause.It’s a common tactic but difficult to recognize.By pretending to be working hard on someone’s else’s behalf,covert-aggressives conceal their own ambitiob,desire for power,and quest for a position of dominance over others.’’

A very Good first impression
First impression of skilled manipulators is often very good.They use captivating characteristics like impeccable manners,dazzling looks or a winning smile etc. to distract people from their real intentions and message.we hardly buy a book after being impressed by its cover but unfortunately we take people at face value.with manipulators you don’t get what you see.
A manipulator may give you very good first impression,but the cracks in their mask will become apparent only after close observation or spending more time with them.


How many can i name in my life? Kiera, Lydia, Charlotte, Seok Lin, Adeline.

What should you do when you meet these people? Run, dont walk, away from them.

Aftermath from the best week ever

After letting go and just eating whatever I wanted on the best week ever..

MY STOMACH IS STILL ROUND AND MY ABS ARE NON EXISTENT!

WHY OH WHYYY

The most eventful week ever

8- celebrate nisha bday @ handlebar
9- celebrate yq bday @ pizza place + play L4D + eat tau huey
10- celebrate Deepavali @ nisha house
11- yoga with cac
12- hrg learning Festival + Thordon ex
13- HRG dinner (icecream!!!!) + lunch with nellie hui yi n wanwei (future AM) after EAS foundational prog
14- sports4life walk @ NYJC (kel n i got silver!) dad bday lunch + visit to his new house + kel's parents came back+ boardgames with kel Ben jas n KC
15- squash, first trip into1.5hr dungeon, kel's brother's bday dinner @ wedding venue to test the fish

Bitch

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14699-improving-assertive-behavior/

Right no 3 myth no 3 and 4. Aggressive behaviour.  It's got you pinned down to the full stop. This is a must read and must learn. For everyone not just for you. Should take some time to do the exercises.

Team

But about them dropping out as well is an assumption in itself too..

If everything is an assumption and the wrong one at that, thats how we ended up here.

In the future if we want to make this work we need to understand each others intentions..

And true meaning and understanding is achieved only when u strip away the diplomacy. Otherwise we are just diplomats. Not friends. Also we should talk to each other about it not just complain behind others backs. Coz true friends can tell each other off and not take it to heart and grow from it right?

I think the rest of us have all laid our cards on the table.. its whether u n lulu wana come meet us in the middle.. the middle meaning that we try again..

If we are, then everyone would need to stop making assumptions and start communicating.. communication has to be 2 way.. it can't be just us asking, but everyone..

I know everyone is thinking that a leader while good to have.. leader can say "you idiot. Its ur fault go apologise". A leader can also say 'you idiot. You get out" but if everyone knows the team goals and expectations, a leader is not really a must..

If u really will be happier elsewhere im sure everyone will give u their blessings but of course we'd b happier if u guys stay..

But its just a game

What's the point of feeling sad about it
Its just a game
Well because you thought that bonds you formed
And the friendships you gained were real
But turns out that they are not

Didnt get it

Everything that I want here

I didnt get.

I didnt get to go hr summit
I didn't get to go hr foundational prog
I didnt get election duty
I didnt get starting salary adjustment

Maybe its true. They only take care of newer ppl. Maybe its time for me to move.

Whats the point of performing well and getting B. If someone newer is going to to come in and earn the same pay.

Steve Harvey

Aint nobody's job to meddle. Aint nobody's job to nag. As parents.  Im sure u feel me here we r both parents.  It's our job to love and nurture and guide.

Religion

To me religion is a crutch that people grab on to in their final days.

It is good to have something to believe in during your final days. To encourage the spirit to fight on. Because the subconscious human mind has a surprising amount of control  over the human body.

But for me. Until one day I am convinced, I will remain me. With belief in my own effort and perseverance and that you reap what you sow. With a tinge of random factor.

Because if god truly exists,  I will learn about it through my relationship with him. God shouldn't need us to learn about him through a third party.

I hate my life

I feel like I hate my life

I hate my mum
She has never done anything that mattered to me for me. I wish that I don't hav to give a shit about her needs. I hate that im getting married and she doesn't giv a damn. I hav to do all of the planning and inviting.  She is never there when I need her for the big things. Always giving me grief about the insignificant.

I hate my job
It sucks that minister says go and everyone rolls around like an idiot
It sucks that my boss always lose at taichi

I hate my colleagues
My subordinate is always trying to push work to me. I get blamed when they dont do stuff right. I do their stuff but I don't get any credit 4 it
One colleague is so annoying n always talking to herself
The other one is like in twilight zone coz she is leaving. Always spaced out.

I hate my current house
Its leaking and my mum fucking refuses to do anything about it. Just keeps comparing prices and accuses the contractor of trying to cheat her and of being from china. Sprawling concrete and paint chipping off everywhere

I hate my static
Negative ppl. Ppl getting carried.  People hatin on each other.  Ppl not being responsible or updating and expecting the whole world to stop and wait 4 em or drop everything n wait 4 em.

I hate that my rabbits are sick and aren't getting better. Im so tired from all of the medicine feeding and the wound washing and application and it feels like the nightmare is never going to stop because I feel a fucking new lump and we might have to do surgery.

I hate my body.
I hate that I don't have time to work out. That im in the office at 7pm rushing an update and I stress eat. That my belly fat balloons up and down week to week. That I ache terribly every night after I wake up in my shitty 200 dollar bed. That I hav high cholesterol and low calcium and I hav to control my diet. And that I need to eat 1 fruit a day to shit but all my mum buys are inedible starfruits and some shit that rotts b4 I get to eat it.

I hate my dysfunctional family.
Its always who is arguing with who. And who we hav to go visit just to show face. And how its a competition on who has visited who more. Seriously who has time for this shit.

I wish I could dump all of this and just start over new somewhere else

I fucking hate that I just need hdb to send me a letter and I can escape from 90% of this hell hole. I can get a fucking new job without worrying about all of the travelling.

I hate that im in whatsapp groups that I don't even want to be in.

Election duties

Today I nearly got the election duty post that ivh always wanted

But then I stupidly went and gave it away

When I found out that I wasnt going to get the chance I had a mixture of shock and disbelief

I really dislike that woman. Who prevented me from going. But then I cant really blame her because she didnt specifically single me out like adeline.

How did this happen? 

Well after I was asked u know who came bounding over and asked very loudly what is going on and what she was missing out on.

So I knew for the longest time that both of us really wanted to do the job. And caroline just said that she needed 5 more people. So I asked her if she wanted to sign up too.

I saw that caroline took a while to turn. I thought nothing of it. Perhaps I was too soft as usual. Later I realised its because she was composing herself.

Caroline asked her seriously "u sure u wana do it? Cannot do wrongly very serious one leh" caroline gave her a worried look. To which e was her usual self and just shook like a leaf in the wind, pranced around and happily said 'yes! Of coz can one lah' den she went to ask hy if she wanted to join too. And ended up all 3 of us signed up.

I should have seen the signs. How she hurried to leave after she got my name.  How she 'didnt' hear my hints about the other 2 ppl. How reluctantly she turned. How she walked away saying that yf is gg to kill her.

When the call to my boss came, and he said that elicia and I couldn't get involved coz of tkps. I was really disappointed. F tkps incident. If tkps incident then why let me sign up in the first place.

I felt so disappointed. And they kept talking about it. About what its like to do election duty. I tried to hold my tears back. I drank water and told myself that ppl dont always get what they want.

I felt disappointed with them.  But at the same time I felt like they wernt to blame. I guess I only have myself to blame.

Im too nice.  I didnt seize the opportunity.  I shared it with others. In the end I lost it.

And I have nobody to blame but myself.

If I didn't call e over to join this wouldn't have happened.

But then I would have lived with the guilt and wonder of what would have happened if I nvr asked her to join and if it was unfair of me.

I would never have learnt that there indeed is different treatment btwn her and me by others and I should cherish it.

Boss really is good at treating all of us equally and I appreciate it.

It was a good learning experience. And a small price to pay.

And I should not regret.

Work quotes

I have come to the conclusion that the most updated policy is the policy is boss' s head - elicia

You cannot rationalize something with people who are irrational. Especially when they are emotional - cheryuan

Self note:relationships and MILs

http://time.com/3154651/6-things-to-do-to-improve-your-relationship/

1) do exciting things
2) pretend its ur first date
3) good things to bad things ratio
5:1

For MIL it should be
1000:1

And they are not kidding D:

The strength of human attachment

When in the presence of a caregiver,  the infant brain’s fear and avoidance circuits are suppressed. Attachment “programs the brain,” she says. “The ability of an adult who can say to you, I had a horrible childhood, I don’t like my parents, but then do things to continue to get the parents’ approval, is an example of the strength of human attachment in early life.”

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.2.html

The man's hard truths of life

On being complacent: “What I fear is complacency. When things always become better, people tend to want more for less work.” Speech at the 10th Anniversary Celebrations of the Jalan Tenteram Community Centre, 27th June 1970 Lee Kuan Yew in his own words, 1959-1970

On corporal punishment: “I have never understood why Western educationists are so much against corporal punishment. It did my fellow students and me no harm.” 1998, The Wit & Wisdom of Lee Kuan Yew

8 qualities to strive for

https://agenda.weforum.org/2015/03/8-ways-to-spot-a-truly-exceptional-employee/?utm_content=buffer2fd2e&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

The funniest day ever

Boss left and nellie and I were talking. Suddenlu peter appeared and nellie ducked. She was trying to hide below her 1/2 dividor. Confirm still can see. I told her to go lower. She really go under the table. I tell u laugh until cannot keep it in. Some more cannot laugh too loud later peter come over!! Funniest day ever

She told me we accept her. I told her I tolerate her. If I accept her I won't have any complaints I wont tell her that must improve and change

A family just your yours

Key take away:

There is a trope among personal finance reporters that a good talk with the family is the best way to avoid post-death struggles over your estate when you are gone. Sit down with your loved ones over the holidays. Let your children know your estate plans after you’re done carving the turkey, or opening presents underneath the Christmas tree. Tell them about your will, and how you’d like to see your belongings divided up. Convey some life values while you’re at it. Ask for their input. “The kids may surprise you with their own good ideas about how to sharing (sic) your estate

Then there’s reality. There’s barely a person over the age of 40 or so who does not come with a family squabble about, well, things following the death of a well-loved parent, grandparent, or family friend. At the high end, one hears about vacation homes that have been in the family for generations. But most disputes concern less valuable stuff. There are tales told of deeply loved relatives never spoken to again after battles over items like needlepoints and toolkits, living-room tchotchkes or costume jewelry. The battles are often over items that aren’t financially worth an hour of the most inexpensive lawyer’s time.

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2015/02/robin_williams_estate_fight_even_good_planning_can_t_prevent_a_rancorous.html?wpsrc=fol_fb

Absentee mum

You were never there for the things that mattered
But you were there for me everyday

Friendship

But shuttling back and forth between them, I could see that for all their harsh words—over the past decade, they’ve only dug in their heels—they still missed one another. Each, I noticed, teared up at references to the other. Perhaps, when no one is looking—or taking any pictures—they’ll yet come together again. And if they can, maybe, so too, can we.

I teared up. But did you? I guess im the only one doing the missing and who was wounded and was the fool. But ivh moved on from you

What should a person do when everything appears to be going wrong in their life?

I remember a day in the 1990s when I found myself looking at my computer and seeing I had just lost $280,000 in the stock market. That was pretty much all the money I had, and it was irrecoverable, With a shaking hand I turned my computer off, left work, and started driving. And driving. And driving. I had no direction. I just drove and as long as I drove I didn't have to think about all that lost money. Eventually I found myself in Mystic, Connecticut and I decided to stop in at Mystic Pizza and have a slice. I remember as soon as the hot cheese hit the roof of my mouth, the bubble burst and all those repressed feelings came flooding in.

"You fucking moron," I thought, "why did you buy that stock? Why didn't you sell it when it started to go down? Why are you so stupid? If only you'd have pulled out earlier! All that money... gone.... gone... gone...."

I almost puked up all the pizza. I was a wreck.

Later as I drove home, I realized a couple of things. The first was, I wasn't hungry and I wasn't going to be hungry. I had a good job and I would be getting paid next week. My mortgage was up to date. The money I lost was all about ego. It wasn't about my happiness or even my survival, at least not at that moment. I went home and thought about my life and not the money. After thinking about it for a long term, I decided the following:

1 Breathe - as Mr Miyagi says in "The Karate Kid", "No have breath, no have life". So keep breathing. 

2. Have a big glass of water. When things are bad, water is cheap and it helps keep you healthy, and your health is your biggest asset. If you're already sick, water is one of the best medicines.

3. Go for a walk. Again, it's cheap. You don't even have to buy sneakers to walk. It clears your head, gets the blood flowing, helps your health. And the motion will give you the perception of action. You can't do everything but you can do something and this is a something you can do almost anytime, anywhere. 

4. Forgive yourself. You're going to be stuck with yourself for a long, long time. So say you are sorry for the actions that made you fail or for the circumstance of failure and never, ever, ever say, "You're a moron, you idiot, you jerk" etc. You wouldn't tolerate being called names by someone else, why would you do it to yourself? Never, ever, ever cut yourself down. And the word sorry doesn't absolve you of responsibility - it's not magic. You have to resolve to learn from your mistakes and make restitution in some fashion. That means making a plan and taking positive action.

5) Forget about regret. Instead of saying "If only I (fill in the blank)" say instead, "Next time I will (fill in the blank)" You can't change a thing about the past - ever. So focus on improving your future life instead. Every single thing you do today is preparing you for the life you will live tomorrow.

6) Let the deluge wash over you and stand tall. A ship in a storm doesn't try to run from the storm. It turns into the waves and lets them wash over it. Sometimes those waves cause damage, but eventually they pass. When the shitstorm is coming, when the trouble comes, stand up tall, paste a smile on your face, and let it wash over you til it dissipates. Nothing good lasts forever and neither does anything bad and if it is bad, it's got to change. Remember: this too shall pass. 

7) If you have to get angry, do it, but then get over it -- and don't take your anger out on others or, god forbid, your hapless pets. Have a hissy fit, break a plate or two but when you wake up, move the hell on. It's over and too late to change the past.

8) Accept, accept, accept. Many people end up destroying their lives because they can't change the past and they can't get over the damage. You have to accept what has happened. Seriously, this may the most important of all the points (other than drinking some water). Sit back and just accept things as they are, not the way you wish them to be. Forget about silly notions like "fairness". The universe is inimical and doesn't care about poetic justice, or fairness, or right and wrong. Sometimes things happen just because. Get used to it. 

9) Keep moving. As Churchill once said, "When you're going through hell, don't stop!". Sometimes motion is its own answer. Getting stuck in a rut or not moving at all is a big danger.If you do what you always did you will get what you always got, so keep moving and if that's not working, do something completely out of character for you, something random, something unexpected. You're scared? Good. If you aren't scared, you aren't trying hard enough or taking enough risks or learning something new. As Muhammed Ali said once, "Being knocked to the mat doesn't make you a failure, but staying down does. To be a champion, all you have to do is get up and fight for just one more round."

10) Let time do its healing. Everything heals. You will too. 

So what did I do after losing all that money? I bought a vacation house. By doing that I scared myself into taking action and I also signalled to myself that success was still possible, that there was still hope. Not long after my disaster, I took another job. the new company got bought and I made millions.

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Mental Health

From your digest email

Why are so many brilliant and talented people so brutally unhappy and dissatisfied?

Aurora Clawson

371 upvotes by Kimberlyn Lim, Albert Zhou, Neil Cooney, (more)

Because there are many forms of intelligence we must address within ourselves to find balance, not just logical intelligence.  

 For example, the fact that no accomplishment is really enough for your boyfriend indicates that he is driven relentlessly by the need to achieve.  But there is an emotional component to this he is not addressing.  He is holding beliefs about himself in his subconscious, having to do with issues of self worth, as well as where true happiness comes from.  His behavior usually indicates that he feels he is only a valuable human being if he is achieving.  It is the act of achieving that is never enough.  It doesn't even have a lot to do with what he achieves.  When do we have enough self worth?  

Those 'real things' that he equates with true success are a way in which he diminishes is own accomplishments by comparison because he thinks those 'real things'  are what truly make a person all that he thinks he's not.  The sad truth for him is, that were he to accomplish all of those 'real things', he would be as unhappy as he is today.  Why do you suppose people who have accomplished so much and 'have it all', end up overdosing or committing suicide?  There are several reasons.  They realize how hard it is to emotionally handle the weight of their success.  But this is the big, number one reason:They get it all, and that hole inside is still there!  Nothing, not fame, fortune, or accomplishment changed a sensation of feeling alone, unfulfilled, unhappy, or that there is something else, but now that they have everything, what is it?   IT is truth, and the fact that their true needs and motivations were not addressed.  They just kept accomplishing more, getting more, and feeling more of the same.  This is how the world teaches us a great many things.

Your boyfriend is suffering from an 'illusion', a mirage in the desert that he will never be able to reach because the mirage is not what he is really longing for.  It is a pervasive sense of self worth, inner peace, and equality he seeks.  It is self love, self respect, and a feeling of belonging on a very deep level that he longs for.  So you see, understanding this is another form of intelligence that he has yet to grasp.

All of this being said, the one thing that can bring him clarity and peace is for him to become acutely aware of what is really going on in his mind, and how relentlessly driven he is by seeking in the world what only he can provide.

I would suggest a therapist to help him come to terms with why he is so driven.  He has a huge mis-perception of what a 'real accomplishment' is.  He is disillusioned via comparisons of himself relentlessly to those whom he feels have reached what he thinks he NEEDS.   That need can be filled by the simplest things when a person realizes what the real dynamic is, and comes to terms with it. His life will be enough, when HE is enough. This is a truth we must all face without exception.  

Right now, he is worthy of all he desires.  He is now who he would be if he accomplished everything he desired.  That is the precise reason that no accomplishment will make on iota of a difference to the real issue.   When he heals his belief in self lack and unworthiness, it won't matter what he does, he will be that person, not a person stretched around a big hole.

Right now he is equal to all beings.  Right now he is important, and deserves self respect, joy, and peace.  He has done enough right now.  He IS enough, right now.  It is not in what you DO, it is in who you know yourself to BE.  

When he gets clear about that, a huge weight will be lifted from his shoulders.  He can go on to accomplish what he pleases, and he will feel successful and happy in those accomplishments, not bummed and driven more and more and more to another shining carrot he can't reach.

Written 17 Dec.

Such a fool

I left my work laptop at home!!!! Omg worst nightmare come true!!!!!

A truly valuable chart