Today i experienced the death of a friend.

I dont know when it happened just that i think it happened a long time ago

We never noticed that she was dying until it was too late.

Some times i blame myself because

perhaps it was our fault because althought we claim to be her friends

we never noticed that such things were happening to her

we never stopped to help her.

In loving memory of you, i thank you for

you who talked to me when i just entered sec 3

you who made group meetings fun

you who taught me how to talk about guys

you who helped me to dispel my shyness

you who showed me how to care in that quioxial way of yours

you who brought me out and showed me the world outside causeway point

you who helped me to go buy my first real bra

you who showed me the real wonders of shopping

you who helped me to enforce my love of music

you who made my days fun and talked about scandalous nonsensical things

you who let me read your compositions about guy love girl stories

you who sat behind me during exams and was fun to talk to

you who brought me out of my cheap 10 dollar hair cuts to get the best hair cut i have ever had for 20 dollars at your uncle's shop

you who helped me to make lots of friends with from your og

you who helped me to get to know lots of people

you who i learned from how to talk to people directly to speak whats on my mind

you who talked such nonsense about the new JC and helped me to adapt to my JC so smoothly

you who always made me laugh about nonsensical bouncy fat guys and scandalous eye candy and gave us things to look out for and laugh about and things in common

you who made me realise what a joy the word "mom" was to hear

you whom let me experience the joy of postcard exchanging and note passing during lessons

you who made o level result collection fun

you who was the first friend i went to the zoo with and we made so many crazy memories together

you who always cam whored with me

you who impressed me with your amazing eating ability

you whom i envied for being more well - endowed and made me awae of how singapore clothes area all provide insufficient chest allowance

you who could always make me laugh

you who helped me to get over my first heart break

you who shook my hand so gratefully as you thanked me for helping you score a B in english although i felt that i didnt to much at all i was just grateful that your friendship was all the thanks i needed

you who always disturbed me outside of class and teased me about how i was blur enough to turn left just because you tapped on my right shoulder (and taught me how to not be so gullible)

you who seemed like the best friend a girl could have because i knew that you would stand up for your true friends

you who had many qualities i admired. the independence, the drive, the motivation, commitment, the frankness

you who who i envied because you were always seemed to know what you wanted

you who i looked up to to become a better person

you who drifted away eventually without notice

i suppose you were the one who picked me up from the gutter and groomed me to become who i am today

i thought you to be a true friend

i suppose you got misguided along the way.

im sorry i wasnt there to guide you back to the correct path

im sorry i wasnt there for you when you died

im sorry but i cant be friends with the person whom you are today

im sorry that we thought that extending an offering to the deamon who took you away from us would appease him enough to bring you back to us.

looks like it was wistful thinking on our part

i should let you go

good bye

rest well

hi

hz has officially proclaimed that she wants nothing to do with us. miss LEE HUI ZHEN (i dont care what funky english name you try to give yourself it wont improve the image WE have of you) i DISOWN YOU and i UNINVITE you to my party as well

cheers

a freaking mad kim who has just sorted out her thoughts and realised that pretty faces are now a dime a dozen and are completely inaccurate gurantees of a good heart

to people who all think.. eh why death so extreme? i dont mean death in the strictest sense.. as i told kelvin n jy on msn

i write death

coz

 i wont deny that i had this friend

 i will just pretend that she died somewhere along the way

 its an analogy

i will miss her

 and hope that she will someday come back to us

 but i will accept the fact that she's  gone

 the characteristics of how i feel about her now

 is exactly the same as if

 i had a close friend that just died

 so

 instead of telling myself

that she has changed

 i just tell myself

 she died

 so i can let the pure untainted memory of her

 live on in my heart

 as inspiration

to keep on living

coz my problem is that once people walk out of my life. it hurts alot. and im a sucker for pain. i start thinking of all memories of what we have been through in the past. and it hurts so much to think that there will never be a "next time". it hurts so much i never want to feel this pain because of this person again. so i force up all memories of this person and use it the thought of it to stab my heart over and over again. over and over until the pain from this memory diminishes and until i become numb to it. then i move on to another memory and repeat the process until i have been through every memory that i can possibly think of until i become numb to all thoughts of ther person such that thoughts of that person will never hurt me again.

its a coping mechanism i call "purging"