the struggling musician

there's this blind guy at woodlands mrt who plays the electric keyboard.

ivh always felt that his playing is excellent even though he obviously cannot see the keys

it's authentic too.

Everytime I see him I make an effort to give him Some money.

today I saw him again. it's been a while since he changed his equipment.

I remember when he changed them 5 years ago. I felt a sense of accomplishment. the artiste I supported managed to improve his standard of living. he's got good equipment, better clothes, maybe even a better home.

it's really interesting how it's been 10 years of giving to him. and how u was once a poor student, turned more affluent working adult.

but he's blind but he will never know who his donors are

well that doesn't matter to me because I don't want his gratitude I just want him to keep playing his awesome music

maybe the next time i see him I'll give him ten dollars

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gold

today I heard about the golden boy and girl of our school earning more than 10k when their salary was combined although they have only been working for 1 year

they could save up to 60k a year, with 3k to spend each month, compared to the miserly 18k I scrimp and save to put together.

I felt a twinge of jealousy at the thought. I asked myself why I didn't work harder. why didn't I try harder to go into the banking and finance line?

I guess I have to return to my goals in life.

I just want to have a family with average income (or better above average) and a happy harmonious family. I want my children to get along and to love their parents. respect is not a big thing for me as long as I know that despite whatever nonsense they throw my way they will still be filial and loving. I'm sure if I bring them up well the nonsense will have good intentions.

if I had a job in BNF I would have alot more money. I could spend 3k a month comfortably. what would I spend this on?

when Tong went overseas I had a brief taste of buying anything I desired and eating anything I wanted. but it was just empty happiness. momentary and fleeting and I constantly was left with the feeling of being dissatisfied no matter how many things I bought. I was shopping for happiness, bought it all. but something's still missing.

so when tong came back its pretty amazing because all of these cravings just vanished. I didn't need to buy a single thing but I felt perfectly fulfilled.

I find eating a cheap hawker meal more delicious and satisfying then eating at mass produced posh restaurants. the food all tastes the same after a while. I rejoice whenever I get to pay a visit to the hawker center.

so in actuality all I need is love and good food and the spirit of adventure kept alive

if I had 60k more I guess I would use the money to go traveling and sight seeing. but I don't think that my lifestyle or the furniture I would want to buy would change.

my life would be alot easier. but alot less fulfilling. after all I won't get to sit on my sofa and proudly proclaim that I got it at a warehouse sale for 50%. I would be sitting on it saying that it's designer or some shit. where's the sense of the great adventure and treasure hunt in looking for and finding what you really want?

life would be alot more easier and comfortable though.

but fun? fulfilling? I'm not so sure..

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gold

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How to identify a bad boss

My boss charlotte lee, fulfills all of these criteria.

• He ignores the classic, time honored cliché, “Praise in public, criticize in private.”
• She gives you assignments and doesn’t follow up.
• He doesn’t support you when something goes wrong.
• She thinks everything is fine when it isn’t.
• He constantly claims that he is empowering you, but isn’t.
• She micro-manages and needs to know everything.
• He acts paranoid.
• She jumps to conclusions.
• He doesn’t know how to plan, prioritize or organize.
• If it isn’t her idea, then it can’t be good.
• He implements two-faced attacks.
• She tells sarcastic jokes or teases.

she also does this.
Throw employees under the bus. Rather than taking responsibility for what goes wrong in the areas that you manage, blame particular employees when asked or confronted by executive leadership. When you know the responsibility is ultimately yours if you are the boss, why not act with dignity and protect your employees? When you blame employees, you look like an idiot and your employees will disrespect and hate you.

Trust me. They will find out and they will never trust you again. They'll always be waiting for the other shoe to fall. Worst? They'll tell all of their employee friends about what you did. Your other staff members will then distrust you, too. Your senior managers will not respect you either. They will question whether you are capable of doing the job and leading the team. When you throw your employees under the bus, you jeopardize your career - not theirs. And, it won't remove one iota of the blame from your shoulders.

http://humanresources.about.com/od/badmanagerboss/a/bad_boss2.htm

The abuse i endure under the hands of her schizophrenia. It hurts too much to write it. I will just borrow from the words of other victims

As I kept shopping, I mulled over the events of my childhood and teenage years. I remembered all of the abuses I endured, how I was called a bitch, a tramp, a whore. She bet me $50 that I'd be pregnant by my fifteenth birthday; she lost the bet, but never paid. I remembered how I began cutting myself to cope with the pain and was reminded of the ugly, hateful scars still adorning my body. All of those therapy sessions came back to me. A sea of sad, lonely moments and feelings of worthlessness swept over me as I dove into the ocean of my memories.








Im scared of turning her in because im afraid that this might happen

That wasn't the only time. Once she needed to switch medications, and they had to hospitalize her again. We went to see her everyday, and she begged us to take her home. She told us they were treating her so cruelly, but we knew it wasn't true. It was one of the nicest, most luxurious mental hospitals around. She was so paranoid. Even then I could recognize it, as a thirteen year-old girl. It was around then that I started realizing just how sick she was. I began to understand, but that didn't make living with it any easier or any less painful. I knew that she had something called "psychotic bipolar disorder with paranoid schizophrenia," but I didn't really understand it. Most people don't. I don't think even the psychaitrists fully get it.

My parents split when I was 14, and when I was 15, I had to go visit my mother in the summer. I dreaded those visits as much as I looked forward to them. I ended up spending that first summer with my grandmother. My mother and I could not get along. It was like she bottled up all of her anger and frustration so that she could take it out on me upon my arrival. She threw a dirty diaper at me and chased me out of her home with one of those large, heavy cordless phones from the 90s--calling me a bitch and a whore. I ran across the street to call my grandmother. I visited my mother several times a week, but most of the time it ended in argument. She would end up insulting me, kicking me out, and trying to do me harm. My brother would, as usual, be treated like a prince.

I had to visit again when I was 16, and this time I spent more of the visit at my mother's house. My stepsisters were visiting, too, hence the reason I was able to survive my mother's company. She took everything out on my oldest stepsister, Shari, who was two years younger than me. I found myself sympathizing with her so much, but feeling grateful that it wasn't me in her shoes anymore. She would make fun of her for no reason, lunge at her for the smallest thing. I couldn't take it for very long. I called my stepsisters' mother to tell her how my mother had been treating them. I began to stand up for Shari, refusing to let my mother do to her as she once did to me. That was when my mother would turn on me as well. Shari and I ended up both going to my grandmother's house several times that summer. Our time there was so much more pleasant.

I didn't go visit her the summer after I turned 17. By then I had graduated high school and was working. Right after I turned 18, I moved out of my father's place and into my own apartment. I supported myself on my own, despite how difficult it was to survive on my meager earnings from Blockbuster. That whole year, my mother and I got along so much better. Occasionally we had an argument on the phone, but as long as I walked on egg shells when talking to her, we could have pleasant conversations. She actually sympathized with me, knowing how little I had to live on. 

I dont dare to live with her because im scared that this will happen

By then my brother was living with her and her new son, and he was the one dealing with her temper and her rage instead of me.

I felt awful for him. For years he had been the baby, her favorite. Now that she had a new son, he experienced what I had to go through for all of those years. She accused him of so many things, from drug use to thievery. He eventually did both, and I think she drove him to it. She called his girlfriends sluts and whores, accused them of having had abortions. Once she threw a large, family-size glass jar of pickles down the stars at him. Had it hit him, it could have hurt him very badly. It was so hard for him to deal with all of this, after having been immune to her disease for so long. He changed as a person after it began, and he hasn't been the same since.

Im afraid that this will happen in the future

To this day I am still enduring her abuse. When we visit her, she badmouths me to Corey when I am out of the room, and he doesn't know how to respond. She lies to me, telling me that relatives have said horrible things about me--that they never really said. I have to listen to her talk badly about all of my family members, and if I ask her to stop, if I disagree with anything she says, she tells me that I'm a bad daughter. She says that I put up a wall between us--even though she refuses to hear anything I have to say and hangs up on me all the time. She accuses me of being the reason she and I can't get along. She says I have no respect for her or anyone else and that I don't care about her, even when I'm trying to help her. When I bring up the abuse, she denies all of it. Her story is that I was misbehaving and that she always disciplined me properly. Sometimes she admits it, but says I deserved it all. I have to be very careful when talking to her, because she can still explode at any moment. Having a mother with schizophrenia is an emotional roller coaster.

So maybe she has bi-polar schizophrenia. Thats why she never admits her mistakes

It can be so hard to cope with a loved one who has bipolar disorder, especially when they take it out on you. Bipolar people are known to be most hateful to the people they love the most, but that's no comfort to a ten year-old with a bruised heart. Many people find it hard to accept having a bipolar loved one. They notice that they can never admit the harm they've done, and they are angry when they don't admit that something is wrong with them or cooperate with treatment. Denial is part of bipolar disorder for many people, especially when the person has schizophrenia as well. They are capable of creating entire alternate worlds for themselves to live in. Anyone with an bipolar, schizophrenic parent needs to understand that their erratic behavior is all related to the illness. Some people may use it as an excuse to avoid responsibility--and feel they can do whatever they want because of it. That, too, is part of the disease. These people are very sick, and they aren't right and don't think as a normal person does.

I remember being the 10 year old with the bruised heart. 

im normal im normal

. It is common for children of schizophrenics to feel guilty about their parent's illness, fear about developing schizophrenia or being an inadequate parent themselves, and depression or anxiety about their situation and life in general. 

I just want to be able to tell people about my dad and not have them look at me differently and treat him like he is some crazy mad person.  I just wish I had someone to talk to that would understand how I'm feeling. My parents are divorced so that makes it twice as hard. I feel bad for not being around my dad as much and like it's my fault that he is like this right now.

The sad thing about this illness is that they don't think they are sick. They really believe there are voices and most of the times will not take the meds or want help.

The constant mental and emotional torture is causing my heart to go numb - I have to leave but if I abandon her completely and she hurts herself or others then it will be equally traumatic -

 However this is by the by as my mother has an almost supernatural ability to imitate a normal person should a psychiatrist pass within five miles of her (thus the UNdiagnosed).

Why am i so obsessed with the fair folk?

Maybe because i sincerely wish that the stories are true.

that voices really do whisper in the dark

that if you are special, fair folk are really out to get you. they will follow you around.

http://schizophreniadiaries.com/recovery-stories/long-process-of-learning-that-youre-sick/

but i guess the truth is just that you have schizophrenia. And unless you realise it i can never make you better. and i can never live a normal life.

This makes me cry.

I want the same things too


Just another normal day in my life.
http://schizophreniadiaries.com/family-members/still-dealing-with-schizophrenic-mother/

dont know what you want in life?

try this: http://www.ivillage.co.uk/what-career-will-suit-your-personality/121527

This description is a generalisation. If it rings true, you've found your career type.

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your people skills. You want a career that allows you to stimulate your senses and your mind. Some careers that would be perfect for you are: 

• Actor
• Recruitment Consultant
• Politician
• Marketing
• Psychologist
• Religious Minister
• Teacher
• Social Worker
• Human Resources Manager
• Sales
• Lawyer
• Advertising

 

You are a great leader. You genuinely enjoy being around other people. Your relationships with others are very important to you. You love talking and meeting new people. You are very enthusiastic about work and about all that you do and have in your life. You love being the focus of attention. You enjoy a fast pace. You are very socially oriented. Therefore, you are much happier being with others than you are alone. You crave interaction with others. 

 

You are very spontaneous and often act before you think. You are always quick to answer when you are asked a question, even if you aren't sure of the answer. It is easier for you to improvise as you go along. You enjoy thinking out loud, and are most creative when brainstorming with friends or colleagues. You enjoy being involved in many activities. 

 

You are very easy to read, and often wear your heart on your sleeve. You are never afraid to tell people what you think. You are very empathetic and genuine. You can sometimes be seen as over-emotional or too involved by others. But that is only because you tend to get so involved in the things you do that they become personal. You want to be adored, loved and appreciated. You like to please others and to make sure people are happy. 

 

You trust what is certain. You only like new ideas if they can be practically applied to the situation. You value what is real. You use your common sense. You like to utilise the skills you have instead of learning new ones. You are very specific and detailed when writing or talking to others. You follow directions well. You like things to be laid out for you to do instead of working them out for yourself. You like decisions to be made. You don't like leaving things in limbo. You like to know what you are getting into before you commit to something. 

 

You like to focus on the here and now. You enjoy completing projects. It is important for you to achieve and succeed. Therefore, you believe in working hard and playing later. You like to set goals and work towards them.

 

Finding a career that is right for you isn't always an easy thing. However, if you secure a job that is suited to your personality type you will enjoy going to work, feel great about yourself, feel appreciated and look forward to what's ahead. 

 

This test was adapted from C. G. Jung's famous personality types.

Read more: What career will suit your personality? | iVillage UK http://www.ivillage.co.uk/what-career-will-suit-your-personality/121527#ixzz21AtxcaF3
Parenting: Information & advice

SPilt

I think I have 2 sides of me

the daring adventurous side. the friendly gregarious warm and outgoing side. the side that talks alot, laughs alot and never lets a challenge slide. the side that will stare at you daringly in the eyes until you back down. the side that wants to lead everyone else to a better place. the side that always gets her way.

then there's the side that rather not talk to anyone. it's scared of everything. scared of rejection to the point that it'd rather be alone. I'd rather not look into your eyes because I'm afraid of what I will see in them.

I realise that I switch between these 2 individuals at regular intervals. sometimes it's a fixed period of time. sometimes it's not.

I was born loud and bossy
after I got scolded by an uncle for the first time in my life at 2 years old I became soft and mousey.
I stared at the world go past with teary eyes.
I regained my confidence in kindergarten. I set the rules my 2 lackeys would follow.
in p1 to p2 I had a best friend.
I was a teacher favorite. excited to learn. always has answers. i shut my mouth in p4 when I realized that people disliked me for having good grades and being a "pet"and my parents divorced.
I had a group of friends again from p5 to 6. I felt like I belonged again.
I clammed up again in sec school. s1-4 I was quiet. the weight of their divorce weighed on me.
j1-2 was the most boisterous days of my life.
UNi 1-4 I was quiet. there were politics best avoided.
work 1/2 I was just me. lived life in an excited dream.
work 2nd half. I should go back to being the me in my lower primary days.

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the whole world..

whenever you want something badly enough the whole world will conspire against you such that you don't get it.

if I see that bus driver again I wish that I could bitch slap him.

annoying bugger who is damn slow that my prime time bus reaches the office busstop at 8.30am together with the bus after him and the bus before him reaches the office busstop at 8.05am.

something needs to be done!!

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