When i look through all facebook photos..

i start to realise that 2011 was one of the most fantastic years so far

1) went Y camp, met shannon n jasmine, went clubbing many times w them
2) went on inspring india trip. made many fantastic singaporean friends. left behind fantastic indian friends. went clubbing in india! awesome!
3) went on inspiring india pre trip
4) graduated!!!
5) went to china with gary to visit clarice
6) went to batam with dina yq n shunfa
7) joined GAP where i made tons of happenning friends and ex colleagues
8) celebrated 4th year anniversary..
9) PCN cycling trip!
10) visited swee choon for the first time
11) laksa steamboat!
12) ray and rabbits in city competition!
13) rebonded my hair
14) 23rd birthday, visit prive, keppel island
15) got drunk on beer for the first time in my life. think we drank 6 or 7 towers that night.
16) realised that i was too old to continue clubbing
17) visit marina bay sands hotel!
18) ate lots of intesting food thanks to groupon!
19) joined my first fitness classes! - boxercise, yoga! $30/3 months! cheap! staff benefits. :D public price is $40 however need to travel to changi though :(

2012..
i dont know what happened. It just passed. All i remember is sitting in my HR office feeling miserable. and waiting for my last day. when i finally left and joined my new company.. suddenly.. its 2013! damn. where did it go?? where did i go?? what did i do?? i feel as if the only gain i had in 2012 is the 10k in my bank account.. Is this what they mean when they say that when you look back on your life, you realise that work isnt everything to it?

loss

it's much quieter without you around
no longer do I have the sight of your bright eyes and cute white belly to brighten up my day
even orange Is more sullen without you around
loss is a funny thing
you can't help but keep quiet in the hope as you wait for the person to swim around
maybe he's just around the corner
a quiet part of yourself keeps expecting their arrival
quietly

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the three races

how can I best describe the differences between the 3 races descriptively to my kid
without sounding insulting?
here goes..
Is are like dark luxurious chocolate
Ms are like milk chocolate
Cs are like white chocolate. (it's true, white chocolate are quite yellowish too)
now.. I have ran out of types of chocolate for the rest.. aka the Ang mos.. hmmm..

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GTFOML

sometimes I really wish that I don't have you as my mum
sometimes I really wish that I could move on from this phase in my life and leave you behind
sometimes I just wish that you were normal like everyone else and I wallow in my misery

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proper apologies

proper apologies have 3 parts
1) what I did was wrong
2) I feel badly that I hurt you
3) how do I make this better?

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the weight of water

good book!

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if even you don't care, who will

they say that in order to truly care for the person
you need to know them thoroughly
you don't know me
it's just a facade

if even you don't know me
you can't care about me
and if even you can't care about me
then who will

do you really care about me
or are you just trying to fit me into your retirement dream
am I just the fallback plan

all my life ivh just wanted a happy family
I remember staying up late waiting for dad to come home
and when he came home I had already fallen asleep

when I woke up and jumped around him wanting to go out
like a log he would continue to slumber
but when he did wake up it was like magic
the broadest shoulders were like
the best amusement park ride in the world
the most entertaining conversations
the most patient tutor
the warmest hands the safest grip
and the knowledge that you would never let me slip
you never lost me or left be behind

you were really my super hero figure

of course there's always two sides to every coin

your drunk abusiveness

however it was always so easy to dissociate the two

and tell myself that it's not the same person

it can't be

I would just close my eyes and weep and wait for my real dad to come home



perhaps it was just a father figure i was looking for

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why did you leave me

why did you leave me
standing alone over there
why did you let me let go of your hand
were you captivated by another
as I was at that point in time

I had always cast the blame on myself in the beginning
I shouldn't have let go

but really
did I let go
or did you let go of mine
was it really a lack of conscientiousness
whose really to blame

or was it your sadistic evil inner being
just wanting to see my tormented face
absolutely terrified
not wanting to be left behind
tearing through the aisles
tearing as i ran frantically
screaming inside my head

"mummy where are you. why did you leave me behind again"


today when I saw the little girl crying on the train. and the aunties on the train saying that dads aren't so conscientious that's why he lost his kid, unlike the mums who would always hold tightly on to their kids

it really brought me back to when i always carried 10c to make phone calls
just incase you left me alone again

why did u always leave me behind?

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unrelinquished dreams

ivh always wanted to go to the NATIONAL LIBRARY OF SINGAPORE when I was a kid
ivh always envisioned standing surrounded by towering bookcases
and the wonderful musty smell of knowledge
when they tore it down I was nonchalant but devastated at the same time
I'll never get to fulfill this childhood dream of mine
nothing but an unrelinquished dream

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losing my identity

recently
life has become so surreal its like a dream
or my dreams are becoming so real they feel like memories
I'm starting to have difficulty telling the two apart sometimes
it's like I get small little flashbacks of things I so vivid it feels like a memory
like I walked past guardian and I saw the shaving advertisement and I remembered very vividly staring at a guy whose hair seemed to have roots all the the way down to the bottom of his neck
they were sparse, brown and curled out like a horse's main
and I thought. hey that guy he definitely needs this shaving product
but then I stop to think again.
who is he? where and when did I stare at the back of his neck.
its a blank in my mind.
it's so baffling. the denseness of the cloud veiling this memory is akin to how when you have a really vivid dream and you wake up
all of it suddenly dissipates.
and you can barely remember fragments of it
was he real or was it a dream?
did I know him or was he someone I stared at on the mrt train because of his interesting hair?
and like the reason why my dad leaves the group chat organized by my relatives the instant they invite him
I can't remember the reason
I knew it
but it's the same dense cloudy sensation again
but when I think back on my memories
I never saw him angry or unhappy at them
did I dream of the reason?
was the dream the truth?


if memories are what makes people unique
an I losing my identity?

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