Is my betta fish sick?

I need help.. Is it constipation?  I tried the frozen pea today but he seems to have lost even more colour.. whats wrong?

2013 in a post

I saw one of my friends doing this. He had like 6 points only. It got me thinking. Is that all there that happened in his life for that one year?

Or is it just a highly abridged,  censored version? 

Whatever it is, 2013 just went by so fast, I cant rmb where 2013 started n 2012 ended.

And here I am sitting at the polyclinic regretting why I didn't get the stupid jab earlier before I hit 26. Its 120 a shot.

Maybe I should try to immortalize parts of 2013, some parts I wish never happened, some parts first times, some parts with lessons learnt that I hope that I will never forget

1) urinary tract infection. How many times? 3 times. 1x in 2012, 2x in 2013. I keep reminding myself to wash, and to wipe from front to back. And the implied death threat from upper tract n kidney infection? Lets not even go there about my 5 days of mc and missing the retreat. Just the thought of it gives me shivers.

2) going to korea with tong's parents, family n friends. After 2 weeks of crying on the subject. The late nights. The anxiety and fear. I dont think I need to say anymore. Im just glad that things seem more normal now.

3) bringing mum to mbs (todai), singapore flier and some random chinese restaurant style buffet from groupon. Its times like this that really remind me that although mum spends frivolously on strange but cheap items (tuppowear everywhere, hordes of newspaper n toilet paper) she has still lived a thrifty lifestyle and hasnt had any of these luxuries (eating at restaurants) in ages, so its nice if I can bring her out more often

4) grandma's stroke. I saw a completely different side of my dads family (which was already more close knit then my mum's) so many falling outs, so many hospital visits. So glad im at moe n so near to visit. But its so tiring to always have to be the pillar of support when the people around me (parents) break down. It scares me that people get lonelier when they get older,  and the only people they have left to turn to is their own immediate family, and their siblings. Right now I have none. Will I lose it all and become the loneliest person of all in the future?  Im scared.

5) trip to phuket 2013 - its been so long since the last time that I hung out with my fellow gapsters, that it just felt so weird. I didn't know what to talk about.  No common topics. The ones I was closer to.. the only things we talked about was clubbing and drinking which was why I distanced myself from them, in the first place. I really felt the gap. Because I dont live that kind of lifestyle anymore. And how the common topic of those who didnt club was suanning and belittling. I need to reconsider this part of my life.

6) making new friends at work and new 'enemies'. I lost valerie, was annoyed with then became  ok with cs, gained new friends j&k. And met a whole other group of clubbing fanatics that im trying to steer clear off, yet remain friends with. This chapter isnt closed yet so im just seeing how it goes.

7) getting my flat! I got my flat, need I say more?  Now im worrying about floor space n where we r going to put the hordes of guests who have already been invited / self invited. Everyone seems even more excited then me. And im really excited that eunice has volunteered to help out. But its quite sobering. In 3 years. Who is going to be left in woodlands? Not me. Not dina who is moving to yishun. Jy wont be coming here, she is moving to boon lay. I dont understand why I feel this way.  I must hav been out of my mind when I thought that I could move out, but come back and visit anytime and things would be the same, exactly the way it is, visiting nisha's house on Deepavali, and just walking to the back to dina's house, and us all travelling home together on the mrt train for 1 hr from orchard.  I don't know.

8) my group of friends. Seems like almost everyone has graduated and is working, or working and pursuing further studies.  Those who didnt, kind of got left behind. Not sure how it happened,  but seems like we'vh grown apart. Yes you, its you im talking about. Maybe im just not as crazy as I used to be, or maybe you'vh grown to a whole new level of crazy. Maybe we just dont like the same things anymore. We used to have overlapping interests, but we gave up opposite ones and we don't have anything in common anymote. Maybe you just don't have time for me anymore. But whatever it is, hell, I do miss you. All of you.

I don't know. I feel like my life changed alot in 2013. Im really en route to becoming a "big person" ivh nvr been one of those ppl who couldnt wait to grow up. Ivh always wanted to be a child all my life. And suddenly bam im there.  Knocking on my door. The next step. The next challenge.

Maybe ill look back on 2011/2012 another day such that you can see the stark the stark contrast.

Why do we have to grow old?

Best weekend ever

I dont know why this weekend was the best weekend ever
Maybe it was beacuse I had a great sat with tong
And a great Sunday with friends (river safari, baking, mahjong)
And I fufiled my obligations at my grandma's birthday
Maybe it was the fact that I didnt have to leave woodlands to have so much fun

Ahh to relive the feelings of those days again

Annoying little man

Will you shut up and listen
You are missing the point with your grammar nazism
Stop micro managing and look at the big picture
God I thought thats what they hired u epas for

Grandpa

How did you get so lonely

I dont know when it happened

Or when it dawned upon you

That you were alone

And you started to feel lonely

I told you to call if you need me

I didn't dare to ask more

But I knew that they didnt come to visit anymore

I side stepped the questions

Tried to ask about those that I knew did

Maybe that's when the loneliness started

I asked about breakfast

To learn even your friends had left you

The intrinsic motivation within

It keeps crying out

But I kept it shushed with practicality

But why does it feel like

I didnt know how to say no

Told myself accepting it would make him happy

Why do I feel

Feel like ivh just sinned

I told myself I would use it for him

To breathe life back in again

This I will do

But for other aspects

I dont want to over promise what I cant deliver

I don't want to make promises I will break

I dont think there's any right or wrong

But more of whats more important right now

To look on to life with the living

Or to look back

And sustain the life of the leaving

im confused

Maybe I just need to read some self help guides

The divorcee

She broke down and cried
Told me about her divorce
And her colleagues
And how her dad told her that she had no people skills

The truth about random strangers

Finding out that  a random stranger made the effort to say happy birthday to me at work

Im genuinely surprised and happy

Finding out that he actually takes the effort to IM me each day

Im surprised but suspicious but I don't really bother to reply much to him

Finding out that he finds me "pretty" "sweet" "attractive"

Im flattered but I don't bother to respond to him

Finding out that he has a car and stays at yishun and would like to offer me a lift

I quickly say no

Finding out that he is leaving

A tiny part of me feels sad to have another less friend to say hi to

Finding out that he wants to know if im attached

Im suspicious beyond belief but I dont bother to reply to him

Finding out that he has a girlfriend whom he is looking at ec in woodlands with

I ask myself what motive does he have in talking to me

When he left...

Finding out via facebook that the guy who has been chatting me up at work via IM is actually married with a kid

Im unbelievably disgusted beyond belief

What kind of game was he playing????

A post about. .

Love life children sibilings falling out and death

Praise

Today boss told me that he was impressed by my presentation

I thought that he was going to say that it was due to me knowing alot

I was more surprised that he said that it was due to my confidence during my presentation

He said that AD thinks that im shy and that if customers scold or bully me I will cry. So I should try to exlude more confidence infront of AD Like during the presentation

Well I was in too much shock from the praise to respond intelligently

Should have told him that
1) appear soft spoken because of respect. Afraid that if im too loud it will be disrespectful.
2) im also new, should learn first rather then insist on my way
3) I may look soft, but im made of steel. I wont cry even if the customer scolds me. Im good at taking it in my stride.
4) if boss scolds me, will be sad but most important is to learn from mistakes
5) if I need to be firm and hard, I can be the very assertive, firm and demanding. However that is not always the way to go, people might do it but will be very unhappy inside.  I prefer to go the soft way to get the job done, and have happy people. When you are nice to them, people are more inclined to reciprocate and be nice to you.
6) I can be very scary, e.g. to suppliers everytime I scold them on the phone my colleague says that its very scary. But I choose not to.

Maybe 6 points is a bit verbal Diahorrea.. should have just told him that its an impression people have but its not true.. im like (cant figure out what is soft outside but hard inside)..

Hmmm...

Glutton for punishment

You make me doubt my self worth
Make me ask myself what can I possibly be good at
Make me feel worthless
Make me wonder what is it that they have that I dont

I try to confort myself that im much better then you
Not everyone is good at the same things
Some people are better thn others in some areas
But I cant find anything worth mentioning that isn't superficial

So I need to find a way to love me
Find a way to validate my worth
Its hard but
I think ill make it
Somehow

So silly for falling into your nice trap
Such a fool for not believing in myself
I dont need to find recognition in your eyes
When you will just treat me worse every time

Stop going back
Stop letting it bother me
Stop being
A glutton for punishment

Damn you smrt

6 mins waiting time instead of 3 min interval
30 mins to je from woodlands instead od 20 mins
Train so crowded like f*** I cant even get on at je. Spend 10 mins at the platform instead of 5
15 mins from je to bouna vista instead of 10

My 35 min journey via mrt has just transformed into 1 hour.  and i havent even included the travelling time from home to the station. Well done smrt. Well done.

Self centered selfish b*

She was saying

B: I never list my employer's namd on facebook. Otherwise whatever you say they know

We told her about the ntuc case where she  didn't put any employer but still they caught her and dismissed her. Warned her that as long as its racist or opionated shouldn't say on a the internet

B:its so sad right? As public servant everything also cannot say. Everything also they want to control. Don't you think it's sad?

We stared at her queerly. No I don't think its sad

I wanted to continue to say

Because I believe that as long as its not constructive, rude, or might hurt somebody  I don't see a point in saying it.

But I thought that it was rude so I kept my thoughts to myself

I wanted to tell her. If your comments dont add value to the situation and only hurt others, why do you even say it. Its not going to change anything. What benefit do you derive from saying it.

Knowing how she is. Most prob she will say

B:because I feel better after complaining. Let off some steam.

Then I would want to tell her.

Then thats you being selfish and not thinking about others feelings. How can you do that.

No thats why I keep these thoughts to myself.

I must think of a politically correct way of saying this.

New home

I just got my new home yesterday

I was 15 in queue but somehow I ended up first!
It will be done by jan 2016

Pros
good location (central part of SG)
Near to 24h supermarket
Near to eating place
No issues if lift breaks down
Reasonably near to mrt
Quite near to good food
Near to parents
Affordable 400k
Timely (jan 2016)  
near to guka cantonment (safe?)
quiet neighbourhood

Cons
Precint pavillion (noisy?)
not as ideal as l wish it could be  
Sports facilities (pool)
Shopping center far
4 room (wished for 5room)
1km away from MRT (+/-)
4th floor :(

I guess the cons are all wants rather then needs

So its ok

still worried about the PP

Such superficial creatures

Some guys are such superficial creatures

Guess I need to wake up earlier to put on makeup

Sorry, I'm nothing like you

But just because I'm nothing like you doesn't mean I don't respect the heck out of you. If you don't believe me, consider this the ultimate compliment — I married your son knowing full well that, as the saying goes, "you marry the whole family."

1. "Jane (your mother-in-law), I know how hard you work to maintain a very enjoyable reputation as a great hostess with many artistic talents. I know this was a priority in your own family growing up. We have benefited from these talents as well. [Okay, here comes the Confrontation part] But this is my first home and I know you can understand how exciting it is for me to make my own decorating decisions - right or wrong. I am sure I have a lot to learn and I appreciate your ideas, but I need you to respect my opinions as I do yours, even if we disagree. Your tone and persistence makes it sometimes feel like a contest. I don't want it to be a contest. I don't want it to hurt our relationship."2. (Phone Rings — Oh no…it's HER again!) "Hi Jane. I only have five minutes as I am running to an appointment, but I didn't want to miss your call again." (Okay — small white lie — but a good limit setting approach) You can increase the number of stress-free days and moments by limiting your exposure. Keep the calls short and infrequent, same with visits when possible. Remember: you cannot change a narcissist by yourself, but you may have some influence over the way they behave with you. You can also control the impact it has on you by limiting your contact and clarifying the boundaries when you are with them. 3. For example, "Jane, I appreciate your concern for little Timmy and what you see as his over-attachment to his teddy bear. I know you watch Oprah and read articles about child development, and feel you have some expertise in this area. It is okay for you to offer your input to us privately, but it is not acceptable for you to discuss this in front of our friends or in front of the children. This must not happen again. I am counting on you to respect our wishes, and I'd appreciate your commitment to this effort while in our home." There - you said it, graciously but firmly. So, let's say she sighs, waves her hand in the air, as if to dismiss you like an annoying flying insect, or puffs up and gets defensive. Simply and nicely let her know that you had no intention of offending her nor are you inviting her into a debate on the matter. Again, "Jane let's not let this hurt our relationship." And leave it at that. These skills take time and practice.

You're the mom now. Act like it. That means being mature and getting the chip off your shoulder. Quit being so sensitive.

Understand that your mother-in-law does have a tremendous investment in your husband. That's one commonality you share. You both love him.

Try to see things through your mother-in-law's eyes. It is so hard as a parent to see "naive rookie mom" doing some things that don't look right.

how to make it better
http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/3679/how-to-deal-with-your-motherinlaw

reading the comments of other people help me to be strong. and tell myself im not alone.
http://moms.popsugar.com/What-Happens-When-Husband-Confides-His-Mom-Before-His-Wife-27332574

reading this reminds me that if i continue to just say yes to everything i am walking into a death trap
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pauline-gaines/how-my-inlaws-made-and-br_b_1550646.html

I hope that i nvr have to face this
I think it is wonderful when a man is able to confide to his mother and ask her opinon, but his WIFE should be his main confidant. Also, her husband should NEVER cross the line and talk to his Mother about marital issues. That is setting up a breakdown in the relationship between his wife and his mother.

what they say the husband should do
The husband needs to put his foot down and let his mother know "He will not listen to this kind of ridicule or put downs anymore or the time he spends will be cut very short. 

everyone says this:
that the new family unit should take precedence before the childhood familiy
There can be no divided loyalties. Your loyalty needs to be with your wife.
If your wife has a problem with your mother, it is your job to intervene and try to fix it. 



I hope she doesnt think this way

any woman who makes her husband choose her against his mother is living with a looser who has no value in life. The woman who carried you, birth you, brought you up, cried for you and stayed up for you verses someone you met who gives you sex...mmmm..how can any decent human compare the two relationship. One based on blood, sweat and mercy and the other one based on companionship

All parents should read the below

I found myself considerably bothered for some time after reading the responses posted following this topic. I believe that embedded within much of the text is the root of the universal mother-in-law/daughter-in-law issue. I believe that as mother's we often get wrapped up into touting the flag of 'labor, blood, sweat, and tears' as if it's our cross to bear. We parade the flag about in front of our friends, especially the young, non, or soon-to-be mothers, and expect all others to acknowldege that our cross is the largest and heaviest. The problem with this habit is that it's self-centered in nature. Using it as a 'one-up' to anyone, especially our child's significant other, is making all things about ourselves. It lacks the acknowledgement that our child did not ask us to bear that cross and, more importantly, it shames the honor we have as mothers in doing so. We should never do things for the ones we love if our intent will be to use it as a 'you-owe-me' in the future. Our job as wives and mothers within our family unit is to partner with our spouse to care for one another and to raise happy, healthy, productive adults that contribute to society. It is the difference between the belief that our children are of us rather than pass through us. We might also caution ourselves against assuming that issues with our daughter-in-laws revolve around immaturity. Ultimately, our judgement on anothers maturity level might be more a reflection of our lack of understanding about their insecurities. Becoming a wife and mother can be a very difficult thing and feeling confident and secure in the relationship she's building with her spouse is often the only signs she might have that she's succeeding. It's important to remember that the success of a marriage is based on healthy levels of trust and intimacy. For men, intimacy can quickly be encompassed in physical connections. These connections are really about more than just 'sex.' It's about sex, adequacy, love and trust. For women, intimacy is much more intricate and is based on communication. When a wife feels comfortable to confide in her partner and knows that he desires to come to her with his innermost dreams, aspirations, and concerns, she feels secure in her intimacy and bond to him. When her husband instead chooses to communicate these thoughts to his mother, it can be felt as a breach of trust. It breeds a level of insecurity and a violation of healthy marital intimacy. Almost like cheating, it can be felt as if he is choosing another women over his spouse. Our role as mothers is to love our sons and prepare them to be the best husbands and fathers possible. Letting them go and respecting the boundaries necessary to enter into the union of marriage is part of this process. This topic is not about forcing a choice. It's about acknowledging that we have served gallently as parents and it is time to encourage our sons to partner with their spouses to do the same for their own children. My advice is to include both spouses in the conversation. If, as a mother, you find your son asking to confide in you about concerns affecting his marriage, encourage him to bring his spouse to the conversation as well. Encourage them to utilize a counselor that can remain impartial while assisting them in developing the lasting tools necessary for a successful marriage. Acknowledge the need for this new young family to set their own boundaries and create their own traditions and try to see the honor in being invited into some of these new traditions. Support her need to find security in her relationship with the man you raised.

I think i should write to prudie. 

im so disturbed.. 

The greatest irony

And the greatest irony of it all is that you say that you treat me like family

No more

Had enough of being a third class citizen
Being treated like I dont exist
Being told things indirectly
Why cant you just tell me things directly?
Why do you have to treat me like im just an attachment
The free gift
The dispensable one
The unwanted, uninvited guest

And even you dont act like you want me around
Make me feel like im a burden a chore
the undesirable responsibility

Im already treated like this by everyone else
Then you walk off and leave me all alone at the back
You say that you want to spend time with them
You are confused  on who you should place first
But if you too dont involve me
Who will
I dont have anyone else with me

My only 'companion' was already taken from me
All it took was a 'You dont have me in your heart any more' for her to be at your side and hold your hand

This subtle politics is getting to me
It has wounded me so bad
I'm doubting everything I ever had

So
I trail along at the back
The outsider
All alone
Regretting  ever coming along

Maybe all you ever wanted was just to spemd time with them
You dont need me here
I wished so earnestly to go home

Maybe you dont want to spend time with me
Its always the qn of what do you want
Rather than that u want to see me

Feeling
Just so miserable and alone suddenly

I disturb you

Because I know that you can take it

I dont bother to disturb marianne at all

Sometimes I feel that I learn alot more at work thn at university

The nightmare

I had a nightmare. That I quit my job and I hadnt found a new one yet. And suddenly it was my last day and I wanted to take my resignation back. I had so many bills to pay so many expenses to fund it sccared me.

It was andrea(moe) in the drivers seat sharon(sats) in the front seat and we were driving out of the SATS car park

Not sure why they were the ones who were there and what it symbolises

my cousin

when I think about the things she said last night
I feel a kind of remorse
because I know I have lost her
and we can never be the same again
be it from my point of view or her point of view
we're just too different in our ideals and beliefs that it drives me apart

and I feel sad for her that she will never take ownership of her life
and choses to just pray and rely on the goodness of his grace

if I was a parent I would want my child to strive for his or her own desires
to create their own future
to take ownership of their life
and that's how I choose to live my life
without regrets that I tried
or died trying

but if she lives without regret
saying that she'd rather wait for the lord to provide
or die waiting
and be perfectly happy with it
I can't fault her too
because that is her way of life without regrets

we are just too different

[Posted with iBlogger]

Someone just told me

you know that you can correct them when they are wrong right?
Senior mgt isnt always correct
like at today's meeting
DD corrected DHSC
and then DHSC said that he was just testing us

And i started trying to apply this to everyday life
regardless of whether these people are receptive to feedback / nice / not
as long as they are logical
and i know that they should be willing to accept the truth

abrasive

I have never met anybody as abrasive as you
just the thought of you on my way to work makes me mad
there is something very unsociable about you that I can't put my finger on
that makes my blood boil
at first i was fascinated by your charisma and charm
you seemed to speak well and appear knowledgeable about so many different things
it appeared as if there was much I could learn from you
in teens of poise, language, conversational topics and appearing to be unworldly competent at the things you do
but in time, you started to get on my nerves with your booming loud voice and your unfriendly criticism of the things around you
your jokes are not funny and
I realise that although I try to help you
you just aren't listening
you just don't learn
you talk a lot but I realise it's just fluff
and I feel cheated when I realise that you actually don't know
and I feel really annoyed when you give me that judging eye as if "she's so dumb she doesn't even know this"
at least I'm a honest person and admit when u don't know
such that I can learn and improve myself
instead of being a stuck up know it all when you don't know anything at all
dick head like you

[Posted with iBlogger]

Why do you keep asking me to spend more money? I'm already trying my best to cap my total daily spending on food to $5 a day for lunch AND dinner.. its all so that i can have enough money for you in the future.. why don't they just get it :(

September - I just started my new job..

October - $60 (mum's birthday)

November - $200 (dad's birthday)

December - Christmas Wine - $50, Christmas presents for colleagues - $100

January - You took cab but forgot ur wallet. i paid $20

February - Chinese new year. compulsory $500 ang bao.

March - i bought 2 mattresses in total costing $3100. Other people families buy mattress for their kids. I buy it for you. and you have to sleep on a queen. the queen costs 2x as much as the single. That's $2k for you. Grandfather's birthday too. $50. damn.

April - $200 on my birthday dinner. I treat you to my birthday dinner. $30 for random dinner. you ask me to start paying the house electricity bills.

May - Mothers day is coming up - 200?

June - Fathers day is coming up. You ask me what is my budget. I hate that question. you obviously want to go somewhere expensive after i treated the other to a 200 dollar dinner. then you referred to the $520 dinner you just treated. Is this a hint? how much you want? 300? 400? what happened to saving money for the future???

Every month spend $500. im already eating only $5 a day. that's 105. I spend 100 on transport. I have never gone on a holiday since i started working. i pay for the household phone bills. thats $100 a month. my rabbit costs 20 a month.. I hardly eat nice meals, maybe only twice a month.. thats about $150 because i pay for my bf too. I hardly buy new clothes. and if i do, its always cheap, less then 10 or maximum $15 only. i buy something of that value about once a month. and then im expected to spend $400 on you at one go? thats 3.5 times the amount of money i spend on myself for entertainment.. all the rest of the money i spend on sustenance.. i feel so miserable.. so abused..stretched so thin.. i cant eat any lesser already..

You say that i am fortunate compared to other kids. That is the greatest irony in itself. I feel that i am so unfortunate compared to other kids. Thats why i dont splurge. Other kids are out there, having 3 holidays a year. blowing all their money on THEMSELVES. they dont need to pay their phone bills. they dont need to pay the electriciy bills. they dont need to give you an ang bao. they get to LIVE OFF THEIR PARENTS.

but i dont. i need to scrimp and save for you. i need to put aside money for my future. i need to pur aside money for YOUR future. You didnt buy any medical insurance. You DONT HAVE ANY SAVINGS. i know that in time, ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL BURDENS will fall on my shoulders.

FML.

food

when I start eating(helping myself) to the food on your plate
that's when I'm 100% comfortable
but
you left

[Posted with iBlogger]

sometimes you just feel like

the tight pants that you have don't fit
sometimes life just feels like shit
you are looking for something to hit
you feel so lost in this pretty world
and that's how it sometimes feels to be a girl

sympathy can be ok
but not like when I feel horrible like today

[Posted with iBlogger]

sometimes you just feel like

the tight pants that you have don't fit
sometimes life just feels like shit
you are looking for something to hit
you feel so lost in this pretty world
and that's how it sometimes feels to be a girl

sometimes things just are ok
but not like when I feel horrible like today

[Posted with iBlogger]

the plum

at work I was trying to draw this plum that I didn't feel like eating

it was really pretty purple with red streaks and a white glossy sheen

then I got distracted and did work

and in my distraction I ate it!!!

I feel so devastated that I didn't get to draw it!!

is this what being a cannibal feels like?

[Posted with iBlogger]

cherish those quiet pockets of time where I get to feel like a kid again

I really cherish those limited free meals I get now a days

after I have started working
and especially after buying my first big ticket item for my mum yesterday

I realized those free meals are going to get sparser

and soon it will be my turn to pay

at least my parents had the luxury of splitting my bill amongst the two of them

but next time it will just be me

paying for everything myself

over and over again

because I know it's useless to wish for siblings

coz they can't drop from the sky

and even if they existed why would they want to take on the responsibility of a MIA parent

so all I can do now is work

and hope for my promotion soon

sigh

[Posted with iBlogger]

Ivh finally bought it..

my 10 year aspiration..

ever since ivh worked at simmons when i was 18.. ivh always coveted one of those superb mattresses

the individual pocketed coil, good for back, with pillow top

and ivh finally got one! for 3.1k, i got 1 queen size for my mum and 1 single size for myself!

oh well.. it's not simmons, but simmons got bought over by someone else... and its pretty superb!!

so... im still in shock and disbelief.. but nonetheless very excited!

good sleep here i come!

why are you only arriving on saturday :(

oh wait.. i'm 25 this year.. so its an 7 year asipration.. oh well :D

You are the epitome of the word BITCH
the human embodiment of it
nothing can come closer to it then you

You fucking ask me for so many things
You make me run around like a fool
then i ask so many ppl and do so many things for you
i even purposely leave the weekend free so that we can go
you not only disregard everything that i do
you even ignore me when i ask you why
Or what is wrong with what i said

Fuck you.
I dont know why the fuck i bother.

I can totally understand why he left you.
fucking ingrate.
bitchy behavior.

FMM

Why you should never let vanity sizing affect your self esteem:

http://www.blisstree.com/2012/10/02/beauty-shopping/vanity-sizes-body-image-308/

This post says it all

The size you wear can have a big affect on your body image and self-esteem. Marcy Guevara, a plus-size style expert who regularly contributes to Marie Claire and other publications, told me, “It’s amazing how my clients are psychologically affected by the number on their clothing! Some stores in specific regions (like LA) won’t even carry larges because women would rather squeeze into the medium!  Vanity sizing has created an illusion for women and creates brand loyalty.” In other words, if you wear a size two at American Apparel and a six at Urban Outfitters, chances are you’ll shop at American Apparel, where the number on the tag makes you feel better about your body.

Read more: http://www.blisstree.com/2012/10/02/beauty-shopping/vanity-sizes-body-image-308/#ixzz2LWMIidte

You know i dream in colour

but when you are around it's like it's technicolour

Then when you are gone it feels like a black and white film

Time moves slower

Pain hits harder

sounds are muffled

it gets harder to breathe

when will you save me from this misery

i just watched a very interesting video on plastic surgery...

national.geographic.taboo.beauty.hdtv.xvid-diverge from Docu Lector on Vimeo.

This topic has been pretty interesting recently not just because of the K pop wave, but because i recently realised that tons of Singaporean celebrities have done plastic surgery! Be it mediacorp artistes (did you notice that lee na xing's has botox?) (felicia chin had double eyelid surgery) or bloggers (xiaxue had 2 nose jobs, even miyake wong and yutaki had nose/chin/cheek fillers, botox to relax the jaw line) Even my older friends have gone for cosmetic procedures (freckle lightening) and my step mum has mentioned before to me that she wants to do it!

If you visit this website on tumblr, there's tons of before and after shots of koreans getting plastic surgery: http://kpsurgery.tumblr.com/

After looking at so many pictures, im suddenly very alert to whether ppl have had plastic surgery or not! There's just this look about them which sets them apart. Last time i was only aware of the botox-ed faces, but now, I can tell if they have had rinoplastery, jaw realignment surgery, nose job, fat grafts(all girls after fat grafts have chubby cheeks and forehead like dawn yang basically) If you're still not confident, an interesting way to challenge people who have had rinoplastery is to ask them to make a 'pig' face (where you push the tip of your nose up such that your nostrils show). They really cant do it coz of the hard implant! The bridge will also feel hard, like your knucle!

i ended up here from another singaporean blogger, eric lim who has had plastic surgery to get double eyelids. (That's the one surgery i cant tell if ppl have had but Dina said sth about how when they close their eyes the line is still there) He wanted a fat graft on his cheeks but the doctor told him that he didnt have enough fats to make nice cheeks. .. He even uploaded pictures of the before and after and with all the scaring and stiches and all. I have deep respect for his frankness and honesty! to me he is as interesting as a female version of xiaxue! http://therealericlim.blogspot.sg/2012/05/my-first-plastic-surgery-trip.html

anyway less about these bloggers and plastic people, and more about the video!

I found the video v scary!! It's by national geographic called "taboo bodies"

There was this lady who had chest implants and went from a "C" to a "G" and had an infection! (none of the american doctors wanted to give her such a size so she had to go to an unorthadox doctor in brazil) When the american doctor saw her, he cut a 3mm incision in her breasts to drain out the pus. One week later, the 3mm incision had grown to a 3cm diameter hole!!!!!!! I WAS SO FREAKED OUT!!! seriously!! you can see the implants through the hole!!! omg!!! I kept wondering how she wore her bras with that huge hole in her chest. wasnt it painful??? The doctor had to remove the implants to save her life. And when he removed them, there were two implants inside! it was the size of a basketball~!!

There was also a bit on this lady with aneroxia. She really looked like the walking dead. sunken cheeks, hollow eyes and all. although its really sad that she passed away, what she said will always stay with me.

"It doesn't matter what your body size is. as long as your are healthy, you are beautiful"

That really rang true for me. Perspectives should change! Health comes first! its not whether there's tons of calories in it, its more of whether it's good for me. She was a 27 year old, but her body looked like that of my 88+ year old grandma. She walked and talked just as slow too!


People who only eat 1 slice of bread should really rethink! its not about the calories! its more of  "are you getting the right amount of vitamins and nutrients that you need?"

Now im wondering how does crash diets and the  binge eating at buffets and cny n all tie into this mess that everyone seems to be in..

coz now the easiest topic to strike up with another girl is this "omg u r so slim! how do you maintain it?" Usually their answer is this "dont eat, gym much"

i should go around asking people "omg you dont fall sick at all! how do you maintain your health?"
but this isnt apparent until we are old and grey. and all of the health complications come up. Nvm i will ask all the fit healthy old people this! so far the fit and healthy old people i have met are on my "hikes" and they are EPIC!! how did they maintain their health? Seems like healthy eating and tons of walking. and they are like 60+ but they still can take part in standard charted 40km marathon! nyah~

dreams

I just kept crying and running in dreams
I was so sad the tears just kept rolling down my face
but when I woke up I didn't have a clue why
the place looked alot like woodlands mrt
just that it wasn't
a row of shops with grey flat tilled walls just stretched out before me as I ran
I was running home in my dream
suddenly I stopped
you know how dreams just phase shift suddenly?
one moment you are here, next moment you are there
and it makes perfect sense
when I saw the green fields and the grey path before me my dream
phase shifted then
and I turned and forgot all of my troubles
I was on the other side of woodlands mrt then
and it made perfect sense
I don't know how or why
but that path, led to a tunnel which
led down to a huge grey school

and now that the construction is almost complete
and the dust has finally lifted
I'm shocked to see the same grey tiles on the causeway point facade
and the row of shops below the MRT that lead to my side of woodlands
Smrt even announced that the mrt extension will lead to republic poly
ivh been inside just once last year
and I was shocked because

it's exactly the same as
when I walked out of my dream tunnel

it's only when I saw the shops that everything clicked into place

it's really as If this was my destined place

I saw in my dreams that I was going to be living here

now in my dreams whenever i see that one day i have to leave my chest is tight and heavy

maybe many other people out there are like me. just that when they see it they just keep it to themselves.

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When i look through all facebook photos..

i start to realise that 2011 was one of the most fantastic years so far

1) went Y camp, met shannon n jasmine, went clubbing many times w them
2) went on inspring india trip. made many fantastic singaporean friends. left behind fantastic indian friends. went clubbing in india! awesome!
3) went on inspiring india pre trip
4) graduated!!!
5) went to china with gary to visit clarice
6) went to batam with dina yq n shunfa
7) joined GAP where i made tons of happenning friends and ex colleagues
8) celebrated 4th year anniversary..
9) PCN cycling trip!
10) visited swee choon for the first time
11) laksa steamboat!
12) ray and rabbits in city competition!
13) rebonded my hair
14) 23rd birthday, visit prive, keppel island
15) got drunk on beer for the first time in my life. think we drank 6 or 7 towers that night.
16) realised that i was too old to continue clubbing
17) visit marina bay sands hotel!
18) ate lots of intesting food thanks to groupon!
19) joined my first fitness classes! - boxercise, yoga! $30/3 months! cheap! staff benefits. :D public price is $40 however need to travel to changi though :(

2012..
i dont know what happened. It just passed. All i remember is sitting in my HR office feeling miserable. and waiting for my last day. when i finally left and joined my new company.. suddenly.. its 2013! damn. where did it go?? where did i go?? what did i do?? i feel as if the only gain i had in 2012 is the 10k in my bank account.. Is this what they mean when they say that when you look back on your life, you realise that work isnt everything to it?

loss

it's much quieter without you around
no longer do I have the sight of your bright eyes and cute white belly to brighten up my day
even orange Is more sullen without you around
loss is a funny thing
you can't help but keep quiet in the hope as you wait for the person to swim around
maybe he's just around the corner
a quiet part of yourself keeps expecting their arrival
quietly

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